On… Horning In
From The Series “On… Boating”
Terry Price

Horning In; or the Horn In, as it is known, has become as much a part of boating as catching eddies and ferrying. It is the act or process of leeching, sponging, cajoling, begging, or bribing rides to and/or from the put in/take out.

The truly gifted Horners In can Horn In on entire runs, or even entire trips. Naturally, I fall in to the category of the truly gifted. I have had the honor and pleasure of Horning In all across this great country of ours, and with some of the finest people on the planet. Most of whom I didn’t know before I had the unmitigated gall to Horn In on their runs.

As with any true art form there are Rules for the Horn In. Personally, I am more into freestyle Horning and try to tailor my Horn Ins to the occasion or host group I am attempting to Horn In on. This usually requires standing around the put in/take out/campground observing, without being observed observing, the potential hosts. All the while trying to give the impression that I know which end of a kayak paddle goes into the water. By observing your potential Horn In hosts you may be able to glean subtle nuances that will increase your chances of a successful Horn In. If subtlety escapes you, as it usually does me, you can always say that the scumbags you normally boat with have once again failed to show up leaving you in the lurch, and would they mind terribly if you just ran down with them? This excuse usually works because you end up looking like the hero that showed up in the face of adversity. “Hey! It wasn’t his fault his scumbag friends didn’t show up to boat. Maybe he ought to get some new friends.” Little do they realize that “Hey! If I had some friends I wouldn’t be here by myself in the first place!”

After 20+ years of boating and subsequent Horning In, I consider myself a pioneer. So I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of Horn In Dos and Don’ts for the purpose of making your Horn In a happy one.

Do - Offer to let everyone else put their vehicles at the take out and shuttle the drivers to the put in. They will make you do this anyway so you may as well act like it’s your idea. The reason they do this is so in case you get halfway through the run and they finally tire of rescuing you and your gear, they can decide you’ve Horned In enough for one day and be finished with you.

Don’t - Waltz into their campsite, introduce yourself and ask “How much for the women?”

Do - Have your portfolio/resume` ready with plenty of copies of each. Invariably, your hosts will surround you in a tight circle and grill you incessantly on such topics as how long you’ve been boating, what you’ve boated lately, where you live, what you drive, your next of kin (just in case!), how much beer you have, and do you intend to do this run in that boat! Meaning, of course, my beloved playboat/pinning machine. Always suffer this grilling tolerably. After all it is they who will be pulling your sorry butt out after you’ve paddled directly into that terminal hole, linked a few window-shades (always a crowd pleaser!) and gone into your standard Rodeo Swim Sequence!

Don’t - Tell them your famous “The Time I Almost Bought It On Pine Creek” story until after the run.

Do - Be prepared to take a bullet for the group. Their interests must always come before yours. This means rescuing the swimmer instead of their gear. Never mind that $500 Silvercreek paddle about to plug the undercut. You must suffer in silence.

Don’t - Let your host do the same for you. Tell them that you are biodegradable and to go for your gear instead. That way, if you don’t make it, they can divvy up your stuff as they see fit. You will be remembered as the Horn In Hero! Besides, it’s a hell of a long walk out of this gorge if they don’t rescue your boat!

Do - Bring rescue equipment such as a throw rope, caribiners, webbing, pulleys, first aid kit, and let them see it.

Don’t - Let them know all this stuff won’t fit into your playboat, even if you did know how to use it.

Do - Wear clean boating gear. Maybe they won’t make you ride on the racks back to the put-in.

Don’t - Mention that they would knock a maggot off of a gut wagon!

Do - Drain the boat that you have just rescued and prepare it for the swimmer. You will have plenty of time to do this while they walk the three miles down to where you were finally able to pull it out after the worst attempt to rescue a boat ever.

Don’t - Rummage through their dry bag and eat their lunch for them while you wait. And, while we’re on the subject, it is probably not a good idea to offer them any of your “Dry Bag Surprise” for lunch. “Dry Bag Surprise” is, of course, the remains of whatever you had for lunch the last three boating trips and forgot about until now. It may have been good then, but now it’s going to look like someone’s biology project.

Do - Bring plenty of beer for the takeout festivities. They will be greatly appreciative of this as they lie and brag about how cool they were on the run today. Plus, after a couple of cold ones, they may even find the fact that you swam three times on the first two rapids, amusing.

These are merely the high points of The Great Horn In. There are many more, and there are a whole different set of rules involved if you’re being Horned In on.

Hopefully, we’ll have a chance to discuss this further while you’re giving me a lift back to the put in.